free association (part 9)

yeah....am doing to much free associations these days... am lonly you know .. and it really help to tell these words wondering in my mind out....and....where to start again....am now in a dim room...today is friday....and it is calm....i got some dispepsia just from the banana i ate before 30 minutes as a breakfast...I drunk tea after it..then smoke a cigarette...and that was enough for my stomach to start to have some convulsions..of the myoclonic type...that means hiccup in the easy term...and some sounds also...coming from my stomach...well....am really not feeling good these days...am preparing to travel and anxiety is taking care of me.....yeasterday i took diazepam 10 mg to sleep....and today morning i did not to wake up cause i don't want to talk to people....i hear there sounds outside my room door..which is thanks to god locked....and i stay in bed...avoiding....so...what to do...i woke up with a headache....sit in my bed...hold my head in my two hands...pulled a little my hair...stande up...felt dizzy and with no enogugh energy....went to the telphone..it was 9:30 p.m. phoned the ward..asked about the man i got to do him an ECT today ....whether he is ready...they told me (the nurse told me) that his familly (the patients familly) gave him a huge breakfast cause they are happy he is eating again after quiting eating for 15 days....in an attemt to suicid slowly....(i think he was thinking that the food was poisoned and i diagnosed him with paranoid delusions and not a suicide attempt cause he was still buying some food from outside his house) and in that case we got to postpone the next ECT till noon, he get better after only 2 ECTs...and he is really eating too much...so he take a big meal again and again...and familly was eager to pospone the ECt to tomorow and that came as a salvation to me.....that was all by the phone....so i goes back to my bed...sit on it...nothing to do....my bags and clothes are in a mess waiting me to put them together and traell in the coming days....its anxiety what i got...mixed with rememnanats of my old depression.....mistakingly, or maybe rightly, i opened the drawer and took anothe diazepam tab of 5 mg.....i felt better in 5 minutes...it is amazing how much fast this works...and now am here saying all these words....fast and without revesion....i will take a cigarette and then write another free association....