road to Damascus (part2)

why this road light is so sad.....


little by little night falls...

road to Damascus

simple villages still apearing in the road making me dream about being a doctor living there....how nice....how nice.....look at all this simplicity.....mind piecfulness.....at night you will hear nothing....but wind....and see clear skies...and stars will appear as real as they are...not disturbed by the lights of any city....

Al Kamishly

this AlKamishly....look at the student jumping the walls of his school....hehehe....he's good....ohGod ...the moment I knew that am grouing older is when I started since not a long time to hope that am a kid...

I took a car to Damascus in a tourism company called IZYLA...it was an Asyrian name...it contain a TV and they show us an arabic film called THE DANAMARKIAN EXPERIENCE, and it was about a sexual theme but it was little funny....and the empty land and skies appeared again...but this land is prepared for agriculture...

some other pictures

these are some other pictures from the villages on the road to Al Kamishly...I want to live there for some months....actually I dream about that....people are more simple ...more lovely

During the road AlKamishly

During the road to Al Kamishly some lovely villages appear in the roadreminding me how much

I like to live a simple life away from cities....
even the oldbroken things got their charm...

on the road

It was not an easy travel.....I woke upat 5:30am....goout at 6:00am....a dog barked at me suddenly...Ifound no Taxi till about 5minutes passed..i reached Tell A'Afar garage after hearing some bullets...found it empty..but one carwith an old man...Iwasfrightened because of the ruined buildings around....and because there were no people around...so....the oldman noticing am anxious...offered a high price...and I tried to argue...but...I take it....Iwan not in the mood of taking any pictures....during the jurney the oldman askedmeabout if i carry Dollars because he willhide them for me to help save them if some theives appear on the road...I get paranoid..but I startto ask the man about his familly...then about his sons...he got one...and he startto speak with some sighs...his son doesn't work...this oldman may think that young people are worthless......this oldman is...I don't know....but hear this..in the middle of the road the car start to make a loud noise and he stoped in the middleof no where....oh God....anyway it was a real problem in the car..nota faked one as Ithought....he found me another car...a freind of him...was driving behind us....and I changed the car...I inter Syria at last after great anxiety ...my anxiety decrease...so I took these pictures about the road from the Syrian borderto alKamishly...another Syrian city from where I will take another car...

you know what (part 10) while smoking

the lighter had just flamed my cigarette......my white light one...the blonde gauloises...and ...and.......the muscle relaxation is still not started....i will wait till it start...then write again...


you know what....the relaxation had come but with it come a very bad thing to come while smoking... A HICCUP !!!! hahaha.....am taking a breath in....made a hiccup...then blow the smoke....you know what...am really feeling funny...am really silly and crazy now....and laughing loud alone.....

A breath in....a hiccup...then blow the smoke....does that happen to you before.....let me try to continue me you know what....free association...( I think the reader will get bored with the repetition of this term...freee association again and again..but my mind is empty these days...so...try to empathise with me)...

the cigarette has just ended in the ...what trashy? ashtry? the thing that we put the cigarette in when it end...and my ideas is also running out....am blank again...got nothing more to say now....take care and bye bye

hashou my friend...

"do u know the relation between ur 2 eyes? they blink together, they move together, they cry together, they see things together, they sleep together, even though they never see each other . friendship should be just like this life is hell without FRIENDS. IT'S "WORLD BEST FRIEND WEEK " Who is ur best friend ? Send this to all ur good friends even me if i am one of them . you are luky if 7 of them "
that was a letter send to me by my dear friend Haider Ghazi who we call him, the phenomenon, or as we bunch of friends call him, the Hashimia Hashou....cause he was working in al Hashimia....and what to say about him...he is abroad now..not in Iraq...i really miss him and i liked his lettre and it is for all of you who like to read my blog.....

free association (part 9)

yeah....am doing to much free associations these days... am lonly you know .. and it really help to tell these words wondering in my mind out....and....where to start again....am now in a dim room...today is friday....and it is calm....i got some dispepsia just from the banana i ate before 30 minutes as a breakfast...I drunk tea after it..then smoke a cigarette...and that was enough for my stomach to start to have some convulsions..of the myoclonic type...that means hiccup in the easy term...and some sounds also...coming from my stomach...well....am really not feeling good these days...am preparing to travel and anxiety is taking care of me.....yeasterday i took diazepam 10 mg to sleep....and today morning i did not to wake up cause i don't want to talk to people....i hear there sounds outside my room door..which is thanks to god locked....and i stay in bed...avoiding....so...what to do...i woke up with a headache....sit in my bed...hold my head in my two hands...pulled a little my hair...stande up...felt dizzy and with no enogugh energy....went to the telphone..it was 9:30 p.m. phoned the ward..asked about the man i got to do him an ECT today ....whether he is ready...they told me (the nurse told me) that his familly (the patients familly) gave him a huge breakfast cause they are happy he is eating again after quiting eating for 15 days....in an attemt to suicid slowly....(i think he was thinking that the food was poisoned and i diagnosed him with paranoid delusions and not a suicide attempt cause he was still buying some food from outside his house) and in that case we got to postpone the next ECT till noon, he get better after only 2 ECTs...and he is really eating too much...so he take a big meal again and again...and familly was eager to pospone the ECt to tomorow and that came as a salvation to me.....that was all by the phone....so i goes back to my bed...sit on it...nothing to do....my bags and clothes are in a mess waiting me to put them together and traell in the coming days....its anxiety what i got...mixed with rememnanats of my old depression.....mistakingly, or maybe rightly, i opened the drawer and took anothe diazepam tab of 5 mg.....i felt better in 5 minutes...it is amazing how much fast this works...and now am here saying all these words....fast and without revesion....i will take a cigarette and then write another free association....

free association (part 8) love and madness

do you think that love, i mean romantic love, can lead to madness? to a mental state disorder? for me..when i was in love...i felt exactly that am in an obsession....the idea is in my mind and i cannot get rid of....but....do I really try to get rid of?? the patient who got obsessive compulsive disorder usually think about reapeating some actions or thoughts and many (maybe all) are egodystonic...that is to say is really upseting (the reverse of the term egodystonic is egosyntonic where the idea goes with our flavor)...the obsession in love is egosyntonic...so? what is it...is it a belonging to a parent? (mother in the case of male/me)...to take care....to let my head rest on her thighs while she playes with my hair??...love....and triangular theory of love...and all other theories in books seems like a ....like a....like a .........like a piece of paper in the trash bin of a desparate lover's room.....like an elephant crying his silly sound in a forest....(why i said that i really don't know...does it symbolize something? i will see later)....elephant? i said elephant?....what the hell he got to do with the topic am talking about....oh...i may be got it....a lady i looo..(let me use the word I like instead of i love)..so a lady i like told me before days that her daughter got an elephant..a pink one...and she like to ride it...( it is a toy not a real one)..from that story may came that elephant in my mind.....and linked to love...sorry linked to liking.....so after all i said...do you think am mad? sorry i mean am in love? sorry i meant i like her?

free association (part 7)(love and war)

war and love had been linked, correlated in many films, novels, and heritage stories....what is it there...what is the cause? I remember seeing a film of Claud Chabrol, the french director about a war ....it may be about hiroshima...I forgot the war part of the film but I remember the romantic love story in the film ( so my memory select the love and repressed the war) ...it was a love story between a chapanies woman and a french man...accedently met...both are married...and they fall in love...at the end of the film...the war ended...and it was time that they go back to their famillies...he asked her: do you think we will ever met again? she answered: only if another war started.....

free association (part???during smoking)

am smoking now...i will go shut the door...wait...

the lady who asked me before tow days about how much i think her age is ignoring me in a passive aggressive way...she is in her 60s...i told her i thought she is in her 40s....isn't that good enough to let her be more nice to me...i think i need a mother figure these days...seeing older women more attractive...even the wrinkles around the eyes of the 50s women make me feel that i want a lady in 50s to talk to...to be her friend...

i thought that lady (she is in the ward taking care of her brother, the patient)...i thought it could be a friend to me...but today i think i was wrong....she is really ignoring my care...my eye contact...and....what to say...it is free associttion and i got to tell everything...i think i liked her.....but now am rethinking....after that cigarette...it was better not to get attached to her...oh god how much bizzar sometimes my mind goes...

free association (part???)

I got one hour daily of internet these days....and it is from 5 p.m. til 6p.m.....it comes after my afternoon rest...so...I came to the internet with a blank mind....a blank mind again....the internet service is in the ward...the psychiatric ward...so i must expect that a new patient or an old one may be there waiting for me to see him and hear him/her.....this is why i came with my blank mind....so that the client (if present) can write, draw, or anything he likes at the blank board of my mind....all i do at first is just wait and listen...wait and see...got to see what alll the writings and sounds and drawings of that client may mean.....in my mind....so.....evening is a period of no much talking to me....but when there is no patient like today....no patient want to talk....i came to my interent opoen window...from 5 to 6pm ...and navigate....in a sea...that may be blue....green..black....maybe rainy?.....sometimes it is the good time for having a cigarette at this time....raising my dopamine...and lowering my sensory gate threshold...getting more disconnected from sounds in the ward....client walk in a special way...one drag his feets...other walk fast with her high heels...so....let me take another cigarette and then continue....

free association (part ??)

well.....today I took a real long nap....2 hours.....i woke up at 4 pm.....but never wanted to get up...hearing the voices of my coleagues outside arguing....made me sure that i want to stay in darkness in bed .....i checked my memory whether i locked the door of my room by keys...and I was sure I did....so I decided I stay in bed.....I took my mobile phone...no call...no message as usual...so i opened the new game of car racing....and start a race....the 5 or 6th trial i succeed to be the winner....I took my body off the bed...realized that I got a headache......I took of my pijama....only in my underwear i looked at my body in the mirror...it is still only mine....I thought....but I got a belly...with little hair on it....anyway...I took the old winter shirty i got since 2 years before...and my trousers....i took my summer showes without stoking...looked at my eye in near....they were sharp and red.....I loke them like this....my hair do not need to be coombed...let me be a kind of a beatles man....i went with my slow steps outside my room...simple hellos to colleague then up to the 3rd floor...the psychiatry ward I love....we got 4 patients....one lady in 45 was really depresseed to a degree that she got psychomotor agitation...she never sit down...she keep walking around with her shuffling gait...(i checked if she got parkinsonism but she doesn't got that)....her face is really feeling bitter....and i decided to give her a smile....
I took her to the room of interveiw.....this is our second interview....after I asked her whether she got an idea about the cause of her low mood....and after she seems not having any idea about that....she told me it is something without a cause....it is a cause by it self to other things....then she remembered me of her familly history......that woamn is biologically oriented...she is clever....I challenged my self that I make her smile...I wanted to see her face witha smile....so i asked about her marriage...it is a second marriage...to a man younger than her by 10 years....(she seems to know how to paly it right)....when I continue about asking about her marriage and her relation to her husband..there was a shaddow of a smile in her face....I cannot remember what I said really...nor what she said exactly....but finally she smiled.....it was a very nice face...a very nice smile....her eyes smiled....and I think I knew why that man younger than her by 10 years married her....
Hopw she get better soon...

free association (part ?)

am hearing now Geroge Michael throught the headphones....a jazzy song...named Where or When ....talking about a person found someone and got the feeling that he met him/her somewhere...and was in love before....(it seems we stood and talked like this before...but i cannot remember where and when...the clothes you are wearing are the clothes you wore...)...yeah it is on of the best jazz I ever heard in my life....jazz is really creative....in jazz it seems that there is no rule for the harmony...you can not expect how the melody will change...and you will keep imazed by the changes in the rhythm and melody.....
Jazz is like my life....jazz is like free association....

Attachment to objects

I can still remember how my heart broke when that mug broke....I drunk milk by it throught years of childhood and adolesence... and I was 20 when it suddenly fall on the ground and broke..It was white with a big smiling yelloe emoticon....When it broke I failed to fix it, so I only put it at the top of my black piano which was also broken and my familly can not afford to repair it for me cause we were living in the 1990s of Iraq where my father was stuggling day and night just to bring us some food...

Sometimes I like objects I use daily and get attached to it, I took care of them, treat them good, be loyal to them (am I exagurating?)...

Diego Giacometti, a sculptor who started his work as making tables, chairs, and accessories of furniture, ended as making some sculptures of great value...He was still making his art by sculpturing chairs and tables and he said once that somtimes a chair is more effective and charismatic in its presence than the king sitting on it....look at some of his works..

And these are objects from my daily life...I see them everyday...touch them...and started to be attached to them..when they are missing somewhere I go search for them....(am I having a displacement of my emotions, Because am little alone so instead of attaching to people I get attached to objects?....)....any way these are some of my best friends:

This our tea pot, like an emperor in his chair...

This the bottle of my coleage who never drink water but from it and if it disapear he will be angry at me and blame me...so I must keep my eye on it

This is the salt container....no i was wrong..this is not the salt container...this is my lover....she is a female...

And this is the box I use to put my studying tools (pencils, note papers, ect...), I like it cause it bears the name of a very dear person to me

These are my keys, my pencil, and my flash RAM, over one of the best books that increased my experience in diagnosis in psychiatry

This is also a small container of small things

This is the sofa a spend my relaxation time on it

When I relax on that sofa almost always I look at this sign in the wall, it is because of humidity, but I like it cause it looks like a heart..